#Personal growth
People just want to matter
– Jokotade Shonowo
At the core of their very existence, what each person wants is to matter. To matter to at least one person who is not them, who sees them as they truly are, and holds them in regard all the same
At the minimum, to be seen as a person in themselves, regardless of whether they can perform “well enough” to be seen as “valuable”
Humans want to be regarded as people, inherently valuable, regardless of what they can/cannot do, what they have/don’t have, and if they last/don’t last
And so while some would curl up in a mental shell, crushed because they don’t seem to matter to anyone else, some would lash out because of it, some would attempt to assert dominance to gain that regard and fill that desperate longing and some would try to teach others how to treat them so they can fill the void
And while I do not presume to have all the answers or rank our natural responses, here are a few things I have observed:
==> It is NEVER kind to take out our emptiness on others
NEVER
If feeling respected or regarded requires you to subjugate others, you have a (very big) problem and need to look inwards
You mmight have better skills, more opportunities, more money/resources etc. than the next person, but it doesn’t make you inherently“more” than they are. You’re just another person, out of the billions who have walked the earth so far
==> Sometimes, your own actions can contribute to others losing regard for you
We teach others to lose regard for us by:
- being inconsistent
- nitpicking and weakening their confidence
- erasure
(funny, isn’t it? Power plays to establish yourself as “dominant” often lead to the opposite result and sets you up for an ultimate betrayal)
The initial fearful response from your targets and walking on eggshells might feel good, soothe your ego, or FEEL like regard, but it is anxiety-driven, and when most people reach breaking point, the “regard” flies out of the window.
It would often look like they “rebelled” or are “changing”. It’s neither. The very harmful fragile hold of fear just broke, and the illusion was swept away
It’s happening to us as a culture, happening to us as a generation, and is happening across work spaces as well
Nurturing true regard is hard work, and is often shown in:
- how you treat others in spite of their rank
- how you wield authority without lording it over them
You know the funny part? Regardless of how much you hide your true intentions, pretend or posture, the heart always knows the truth, and others will sense it first
So work on your heart 🤗