#Parenting
“People seem to forget having children is a side quest in life and has nothing to do with paying bills and other adult things so paying bills doesn’t absolve you from parenting”~ KShmooLaLa (via Twitter)
It’s taken me a while, but I think I finally get it
There’s this rhetoric about people being good spouses and bad parents and vice-versa that bothers me on a visceral level, and I think I have words to describe it now
- I don’t think it’s possible. Part of being a good spouse is loving/caring for the people important to them, so are you really a good spouse if you’re a bad parent to the children you have together?
(And when I say bad, I’m not referring to the mistakes everyone makes. No one is perfect, but your parenting choices should not be creating traumatised children)
It’s the same way we can’t say someone is a good parent, if their choices enabled the other parent’s abuse. They may have been (debatably) the “better” parent, but calling them the “good” parent is a stretch, in my opinion
In the same vein, I don’t think you’re parenting right if you’re not a good spouse. Parenting is modelling appropriate behaviour to your child/ward. If you’re not treating your spouse properly, then you’re laying a bad foundation for the child’s future relationships, teaching them to either accept bad behaviour, or perpetuate it themselves
Any healthy dynamics they are able to forge in future will be in spite of you, not because of you
That said, it is not quite proper to claim that because you pay the bills, you’re a good parent. Or because you do the chores, you’re a good parent
Is it a big part? Yes. A child having their basic needs met is the responsibility of the adults that chose to bring them into this world
HOWEVER…
Doing one or the other does not suffice. Parenting is in the choices you make, the conversations you have, the support you show, the presence you have, the safety net(s) you present, the person you are…
…to the child
The things you do and contribute to share the burden of birthing them and keeping them alive with your partner to ensure that one person is not disproportionately disadvantaged by the fact that you have a child cannot and will not replace the need to actually parent said child
And I think this is where a lot of people fail
“I did xyz” – for the other parent. If you don’t show up for and with your child, they will grow up with a gap you should have filled. What they make of their lives would be in spite of you, not because of you. And whether or not they choose to overlook that neglect to build a relationship with you in adulthood (beyond meeting perceived obligations) will be at their discretion and free will
❤️&💡
~Jane